Writing a eulogy when you do not feel like a public speaker

A eulogy is not a speech contest, nor is it a performance you are expected to flawlessly execute. It is a hand on the shoulder for everyone in the room. If you loved them, you already possess all the necessary material; you simply need a sturdy shape for your thoughts and the permission to keep it honest.

The 'Kitchen Table' test for gathering memories

Before trying to write formally, sit down with a blank piece of paper and think about what you would tell a friend about this person over a cup of tea at the kitchen table. Jot down the phrases they overused, the way they reacted to a crisis, or their most famously terrible cooking disaster. These unfiltered, conversational fragments are the gold you will use to build the speech.

Three sturdy shapes for your speech

Do not try to tell their entire life story from birth to death; that is what an obituary is for. Instead, choose one of these simple frameworks to carry your words:

• Three specific stories: Choose three small, cinematic scenes that perfectly encapsulate their character. Let the stories do the heavy lifting.
• Three guiding themes: Choose traits like their quiet courage, their absurd humour, and their steadfast loyalty—and provide one brief example for each.
• A direct letter: Frame the eulogy as a letter starting with “I want to say thank you for…” weaving in a few core memories, and ending with a closing blessing or farewell.

Open with grounding, not grandeur

Avoid opening with sweeping philosophical statements about life and death. Name your relationship to the person in plain language. Thank the people who have travelled to be there. If you stand up and your voice immediately shakes, stop and take a deep breath. Audiences are deeply forgiving—especially in this room. They are entirely on your side.

Truth and tact can comfortably coexist

You do not owe the crowd every complicated, messy facet of a human life, but you do owe them a faithful glimpse. If there was friction, you can acknowledge their stubbornness or complexity without airing grievances or causing hurt. Aim for generous accuracy; a eulogy that pretends a flawed person was a flawless saint usually rings hollow to those who knew them best.

Support yourself on the actual day

• Print the eulogy in a much larger font than usual (size 14 or 16) and double-space the lines so it is easy to find your place through tears.
• Physically mark breathing pauses on the paper with a slash ( / ) or a blank line to force yourself to slow down.
• Ask someone you implicitly trust to stand nearby, or have a copy of the text ready, just in case you need to step back and hand over the reading.

After the service: preserving the words

Once the day has passed, offer the text (or a slightly trimmed version) to be published on the digital memorial page. Relatives who lived too far abroad to attend, and future generations who never got to meet the person, will treasure the opportunity to read exactly what was said in that room.

Make the guidance fit this life

For writing a eulogy when you do not feel like a public speaker, focus on writing a eulogy when you do not feel like a public speaker in a voice that feels recognisable rather than polished for its own sake. The most helpful writing usually combines one clear structure with a few concrete details: a phrase they used, a place they returned to, or a habit people still mention.

A calm next step

Read the draft aloud once and replace any broad praise with one small piece of evidence. This keeps the work small enough to begin and specific enough to feel meaningful.